It's time to announce it, I suppose: I've withdrawn from the Ph. D. program in Mathematics.
Don't worry, I feel good about it. I might return one day, but for now, I'm ready to stop being a student for a tiny bit.
This decision slowly came to me over the winter break. During the break, I took two weeks off from thinking about mathematics. I was happier during the break than I had been in as long as I could remember. Studying math had become a very large source of stress in my life.
Let me give you some history. I started grad school in September 2007. The math department hopes you'll complete your first round of exams within two years, one year ideally. I haven't. I took two tests, failed them both. I know why I failed, but I just didn't ever seem to get good enough to fill in the gaps that caused me to fail.
This past fall, someone finally told me "you need to know real analysis." I really hadn't studied it. I even prided myself in avoiding it during my undergraduate classes. So I've been at a serious disadvantage. In October, I resolved to start teaching it to myself. But all that did was bring about more stress. It was more that I needed to study, in addition to the classes I was taking and the classes I was learning. I still believe I could do it if I wanted to. But I don't want to kill myself over it anymore.
So here's where I am now. I will still be teaching at New York City College of Technology, at least for Spring 2010. I'm in the process of looking for a second job. And I'm happy.
Monday, January 25, 2010
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3 comments:
As another grad student (not in math), I think what is most clear about (academic-oriented) graduate study is that it takes a crap-load of good luck, not just pure intelligence as some might think. The sad fact is that in graduate school, small missteps or unfortunate conditions can mar the rest of one's graduate career, despite a person having all of the other 'requisites' of graduate success. For example, I never took a single math class in undergrad studying 'social science', but came to find out how widely used calculus is in social inquiry. FML.
Thanks for the support. I did face some bad luck as well, so I know exactly what you're talking about. The one faculty member that had really taken me under his wing passed away in September. With him gone, I really felt on my own with my studying.
What really convinced me that it was okay to leave grad school is exactly what you said, "it takes a crap-load of good luck, not just pure intelligence as some might think." I know I'll continue learning on my own, and I'm sure that leaving without a Ph. D. says nothing about my intelligence.
Thanks again for the comment!
I had a similar realization this past spring when I decided not to go on for a Ph.D in psychology after finishing my masters. After watching Rory go through the blood, sweat and tears of finishing his PhD- I think it was the right decision for me. Glad you are happy! Best wishes and good luck :-).
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